weekend

[whispercricket]

My weekend actually was pretty busy, which makes it hard for me to recap it, as I like to enter these things as they occur. Otherwise, they tend to mush into a semi-inpenetrable (is that a word?) blob, punctuated by what my mind decided to remember. Right now, my blob is focused on my introversion and trying (and failing) to meet new people with the potential to be really good friends without driving them away.



Saturday: Saw arawen off for his journey early in the morning and then went back to sleep for a few minutes. About 8:45 or so (still really early for a Saturday), went off with laurion to the Framingham Library Book Sale, which has turned into something of a monthly ritual for me and my housemates. The sale was fine - there weren't a lot of finds in either the bag room or the regular room, but we don't need masses of new books anyway right now, and what I found, at least, made me happy (couple of SF books, couple of horse books, a few nice older New Age CDs).

After the sale, we rushed home and got ready to go to Falling Leaves, an SCA event held at Wellesley College. I decided to go along because it sounded like it might be fun and I had a new cross stich project to work on (Green Dragon Sampler) in case I became bored or extremely introverted / shy. I had to scavenge the navy ribbon off one of my candles to tie up my bodice (I couldn't find my lacing), but it worked surprisingly well.

I had a lot of fun playing hurling (hurley?) at Falling Leaves (and much less doing so after the event, sigh [wryg]). Hurling / hurley (I really thought it was spelled the latter, but everyone else seems to be spelling it the former) is a medieval game similar to field hockey. I've never played field hockey, but I always loved playing floor hockey when I was in grade school, and the games are quite similar. One difference is that this game uses hard wooden sticks instead of light plastic ones, so they can hurt if you hit someone while fighting for the ball. I tend to get really intense about these sorts of games, so I think I whacked some people inadvertently (sorry!).

It was pretty hot out, and I'm rather out of shape due to my inability to drag myself to the gym. I did drink some lukewarm water, but I didn't have any sunscreen, and I guess I overexerted myself a little. I didn't feel it then, though (just felt a little hot and tired). I sat around with Barak, who was overheated and tired as well, and watched some new people play for a while.

After I tired of that, I went back to where my stuff was near the MITgaard camp (MIT students), which is where laurion had wandered (my stuff was in his bag, because I forgot mine). I think that was partially because they were having a picnic and had extra food. [g] I hadn't had much to eat that day, so I had a little bread and cheese and bread and Nutella, and a small Macintosh apple - all in all, very little food, and nothing to drink because I didn't have a cup.

People sat around talking in groups, and I sort of sat leaning against a bag that was leaning against a tree in between the two conversations, because I didn't really know anyone who was in either one of them. I started to feel my extra-introverted shyness coming on, so I pulled out my cross stich. I don't know if this was a good idea or a bad one, because it tends to make one look like one's busy with something and thus not a part of the conversation, but it also makes me feel like less of a hanger-on.


I don't know whether I freeze in unknown group situations because I'm an introvert (INFP on the Myers-Briggs test, usually about 100% I, and yes, I know that's not what introvert means on the test, but it's one way it translates for me), or because I'm shy, or because I've been beaten down in social situations in the past.


There were a couple of people at the SCA event who I know vaguely from gaming or other such common activities, who I think are nice and interesting and probably would be fun to talk to. One of them even sort of vaguely recognized me (or my name, at least), probably because I'm signed up to be in a LARP she's running next weekend. However, as always seems to happen to me, I not only couldn't think of anything interesting to say (or at least, what to say didn't come to me until after that part of the conversation had passed), but I couldn't find the requisite social skills to say what I did have to say at the right time or in the right way. I mean, it's not like I have tons of social skills to begin with, but in situations like this, the ones I do have seem to run away screaming. Then I freeze because I'm afraid I'm going to say the wrong thing and sound like a complete idiot, and I just sit there smiling trying to seem friendly and probably just acting inane.

Before someone says "no, you don't sound like a complete idiot!", I really do sometimes. It's timing and commenting just to desperately sound like you're part of the conversation and really involved. Also, in the past I've sometimes shared too much for acquaintances (especially when I was younger - kids are cruel) and gotten amazingly burned for it.


I wonder, sometimes, how any introverts manage to become friends with other introverts. I'm sure that I've met other people like myself, who don't know what to say or how to say it when confronted with a new, nice, interesting person. I've probably acted the same way most people probably do when confronted with me, which is to think briefly "that person seems nice" and then completely forget about it. I wonder how many potential friends I've never really met just because they're introverted like me, and thus often don't make much of an impression.

I've read other people's journals (e.g. friend of a friend of an acquaintance sort of thing, from skimming through LJs of people I know) in which they felt the exact same way that I do in large social situations with interesting people. When I see that, I want to comment or e-mail them or something and say in essence: You don't really know me (or you don't know me at all), but I sort of know [blank] and you know blank (so I'm not a freak, really). I feel *exactly* the way that you do - you summed it up perfectly.

I wonder if they feel the same way I do about wanting to meet new people, to expand the people who I'm blessed to consider my friends (people who actually care if I'm here or not), or if these other people who feel the same way I do in new social situations already have all the friends that they need.


I've almost resigned myself to the fact that unless some sort of catalyzing event or miracle occurs, I'm just not going to get to know new, interesting people because I don't know how to talk to them, or even contact them without sounding like a desperate freak. I don't know how to tell that I'm safe, that they won't ridicule what I say and who I am, that I'm free actually to say what I want to and be who I am. I don't mean this in a deep, completely trusting way, because that takes time and it would be ridiculous to expect with someone you've just met. I mean in the basic, respect, common interest sort of way, with tolerant, respectful people. I don't know how to tell people that I meet that they're safe in talking to me, either.

I have that sort of basic trust with the friends I have now, and I'm not complaining, truly. It's just that my friend group, which it really isn't, is very diffuse, and with some people I really only share one or two interests. I get tired sometimes of being humored by people (I know they mean it in the best of ways, so it doesn't usually bother me). I guess I'm looking for someone who has the potential to be a kindred spirit, a really really good friend (not exclusive of others - there can be *more* than one [yes, bad pun, sort of]), or just someone who would want to do some of the things that very few of my friends now want to do or have time to do. I'm looking for more of a real friend group, a pool of people I can just *be* with (although I'm way too picky about things like this, and I'm guessing any of those I would like to "join" - ugh, I do not want to join a cult, really - wouldn't want a newcomer). I feel bad that I drag arawen to do things that he may not really want to do just because he's willing to go with me.

Then I sit here and beat myself up because I'm too picky if I really want to meet new people so much, or I listen too well to the little feeling that tells me whether or not I think a person could be somebody I'd like to know better, even though I don't know whether or not to trust it...

This whole tangent is making me rather emotional (not a good thing to do at work), so I'm going to stop for now and pick up later. At least when writing makes me emotional, it tells me that I'm really hitting on something that's bothering me and is important to me, and getting those sorts of feelings out onto paper or into the computer not only makes me feel better but sometimes even helps me figure out how to work on the problem.

I've been debating making this public, but in review, I can't see anything that I wouldn't specifically want to hide from anyone, even though I'm making myself kind of vulnerable here and sort of oversharing. I'm not looking for sympathy, and I really don't want anyone reading this to become concerned or especially be hurt. I'm not trying to say that my friends are bad or that I don't want them around or that I want to replace them. I'm not sure what I'm saying, but I don't want to hurt anyone at all, because my feeling this way does not affect the way I feel about the friends that I have at all... Plus I don't even keep in good or any touch with people I consider to be my friends, especially those farther away, so I'm also somewhat of a hypocrite on this (how can I want to know more when I don't keep in touch with the ones I know?).

(Please no "poor you" comments - I'm not looking for pity, really. Agreement, disagreement, suggestions, anything else is welcome (or not - not soliciting comments here), but I already feel that I'm pitiful enough on my own [g]).

Comments

[taellosse.livejournal.com]

First off, let me say that I kind of know where you're coming from. While I'm not sure that I'm as introverted as you say you are, I am nonetheless not a naturally outgoing kind of guy. Especially not IRL. For whatever reason, I've found its easier to be friendly online. Probably because no one can see how incredibly nervous I can get in uncertain social situations, and I've got the time, if I need it, to think about what I want to say. Plus, usually, the ability to read over what I'm about to say before anyone else can actually see it. But in face-to-face situations, its always been very easy for me to lock up like you describe. In certain limited venues I've learned to at least partly overcome that, and to a certain degree, reduce its effect on me everywhere. In work situations, where I've had to learn to be personable to have a job (working in retail doesn't really allow for too much shyness. You have to at least pretend sociability with customers), I've learned to ignore my timidity. Mostly by, at least at first, relying on the rote responses they always teach you in customer service training at every retail job. When I got comfortable with that, I embellished it a little, and worked with it until it felt like my own words, instead of something canned. Now, I'm actually reasonably good at interacting with customers. I'm certainly not the best, and I'll never be a talented salesman like some of my coworkers, but I manage reasonably well. Part of it has been learning to size up the customers quickly. If they're reasonably friendly towards me, and seem to be trying to treat me as a person, rather than an outlet for their service, I treat them as I would a friendly aquaintance. I pretend that they are one. If they treat me distantly, I behave more formally. I actually tend to be a little more honest when they're friendly. In my current job, if they're looking at a framing arrangement that I don't think works, I'll tell them flat out that I don't like it, and suggest an alternative. While if they're distant, I may suggest an alternative, but if they lean more towards their idea, I generally just say its all about what they like. (I figure if they really like that, they'll be happy with it. If they don't know what they're looking at, but insist anyway, then its their problem, not mine. heh.)
In more purely social situations, I'm not as good. But to some degree, I'm learning slowly to do some of the same things. If someone I meet seems like someone I might like, I try to pretend I already sort of know them: smiling, making eye contact, and trying not to be afraid of what I might say. If I find myself getting nervous, I try telling myself that the worst that can happen is I'll be back where I started. If I flub it up, I don't really ever have to talk to this person again. Who cares what they think of me? It doesn't always work, but sometimes it helps.

[tpau]

no "poor you" statements here. i do know where you are coming from. until i came to Brandeis i had no friends (zero, nada) because i couldn't bring myself to every say anything to anyone beyond a mumbled" fine, and you" to a friendly inquiry. brandeis made things easy with organized activities geared towards making friends and everyone else didn't know anyone either... it helped. it is harder now, no more college ice breakers. what i have found is that the SCA is an incredible place to meet new people, if you know at least one person there. you are lucky (:)), you know three of us at least, laurion, learnedax and me. come to dance practice, come to events, we will make it a point to introduce you, stick to it, we will make garb, and you will see, it may take a week or two but you will know hundreds of people. really. granted only a few of them well, but still. come to the Halloween party in October, and the one in November. mm, i feel like i am promoting networking. which i guess i am really...

[learnedax.livejournal.com]

a couple of things:

first, you're reflecting on a situation in which you knew very few people. everyone feels awkward in that kind of situation, it's human nature to be cautious when confronted with new people for the first time. we just bear with it knowing that it gets easier each time.

second, of course you think critically of yourself in social interactions. we are cursed with perfect memory of all the things we say that our brains can possibly twist into seeming foolish and inane in retrospect. luckily, nobody else is keeping score.

third, on how introverts meet: those of us that feel hesitant flinging ourselves headlong into new acquaintances tend to develop much higher perception of the people that aren't saying as much. (except for me. i always manage to terrible insight into people.) if you feel like you don't have much to say in the context of a given discussion, the other people who aren't saying much probably feel the same. start your own context, and you may well find common ground with them.

p.s. despite historical inconsistency, Hurling is modernly used for the sport, and Hurley as the name of the stick.

[tpau]

nono, Hurley is hte game, Hurlignis what happens if you play on a full stomach,...